Fallen Again.

Alcohol does many things to me,
I can be happy all night, I can be sad all day.
But one of the things it can’t do,
Is make my sadness go away.

The permanent grin of the clown as we dance
Seems to know that I am pathetic, the fool,
Makes me feel used; a tool,
More of a fool than he himself,
As another boy’s arm rests on her shoulders.

I told her “My heart’s beating really quickly,”
But I think - is it the drinking or is it you being beside me?
I don’t know the answer to that,
But I know my feelings are still there for her – that’s a fact.

Another faceless boy asked me
“Is that your girlfriend?”
Pointing to her.

I paused.
“I wish,” I said, a false smile upon my drunken lips.
“Me too,” he replied, looking at me.
I felt sad – for him, for me? For me. For us.

I told my friend this the next morning.
“Maybe he was kidding,” as the bus stopped stalling.
I wish that he was.

No... I wish …

I wish I was. I wish I hadn’t fallen for her twice.
But I am falling, and there’s nothing beneath me.
I’m falling again, and I’ve not even a chance in a game of dice.
I’m falling into this darkness, and there’s only me.